It has been a very emotional week for me. For the past month I have pushed hard to go above and beyond in my job, but it feels like I am in the same boat as the girl in the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Every time I have felt good about some area of improvement (quality, productivity, etc.), it seems like my boss demands more.
I have tried to keep my emotions in check, and only focus on my work. I have asked God to forgive me for being so emotional, and to help me do my work better without the emotional baggage dragging me down. But still I envision headlines in an imaginary Roman newspaper, circa 60 A.D.: Christians Suffer Soul-Crushing Defeat At Hands of Gladiators; or maybe Christians Devoured By Lions, Face Demons Next. And today I opened my Bible for my quiet time and read in I Corinthians 4:9 "For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of a procession, like men condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men."
Paul was using a bit of irony, and in context, one can see this statement as a little bit tongue-in-cheek. And I, too, don't want to give the wrong impression: I am blessed; I am employed, I have a great family and good friends, and don't have any illusions of myself being persecuted like many have been throughout history, and even those who suffer today. Like I said, it is an emotional time for me.
But this is how my week has been: in a series of meetings each day with my Manager in attendance, after my part in each meeting I look to her for approval. On Tuesday, she frowned and shook her head, and I felt like I was in the Colosseum looking to Caesar and getting a "thumbs down" sign signifying death. But on Thursday, after my performance, I looked to her and got an approving nod. I felt like I got a thumbs up, and the right to live another day.
So exactly how much weight should be given to our emotions? I have tried to be stoic, not letting anything get to me. But that approach has not worked for me. I have tried to soldier on, and work through the emotions--gritting my teeth and swearing that by God I will get this right or die trying. But the best way to approach this problem is on my knees.
As I prayed this week, I was reminded that we are created in God's image. Just like God's nature is found in the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), we humans are made with a three-fold nature, as well. We are created and maintained in Body, Soul, and Spirit. The Body identifies with Christ, who suffered death but was resurrected by God's power. Our Spirit identifies with the Holy Spirit, who gives us gifts such as Hope, Peace and Patience so that we can overcome any situation our body finds itself in. And the Soul identifies with God the Father.
Our souls are made up of three parts: the Mind, the Will, and the Emotions. It was out of the Mind of God that Creation took place. Psalm 8:3-5 says, "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor." We, too, have a mind; and when our minds are set on God, things tend to work out better for us than if we have our minds in the gutter, or if our minds are cluttered with meaningless things, or if our minds are set on earthly tasks.
Similarly, it was the Will of God to provide a way of redemption for us. He led His people out of the wilderness in the Old Testament, and he provided a sacrifice for our sins in the New Testament. So we should train ourselves to earnestly desire what He wants, not lust after the things of this world. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Finally, it was out of the Emotions expressed by God that we knew what the consequences of sin might be. How many times in the Old Testament did God's anger burn against Israel, and Moses intervened on the people's behalf. There is even an account in Exodus 4:24 when God's anger burned against Moses, and He was about to kill him. Fortunately, his wife Zipporah stepped in and circumcised their sons (which Moses should have done when they were eight days old), appeasing God's anger. If God expresses emotions, up to and including anger, then why should we, who are created in the image of God, bottle up our emotions?
The difference between God's anger and my anger, often, is that God's anger is righteous. Mine too often is not. I will get angry at someone who cuts me off in traffic. I don't know that person, I don't know their story: maybe they are hurrying to see a dying relative, or maybe putting on my brakes will keep me from being involved in an accident on up the road. There are more important things to be angry about. If I have a righteous anger, and I know in my heart that God is on my side, then it is okay to be angry.
So do I have a right to be angry at my boss, who I think is trying to get me fired? Certainly my emotions of fear and dread are appropriate--I am not sure I can find another job in this economy. But I don't want to be overcome by fear to the point where I freeze up; instead, I want my fear to motivate me to do better. But is my anger at her a righteous anger? Probably not; there are areas where I need to improve in my work. Luke 6:27-28 says, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." I have been praying for my boss, as I beseech the Lord daily to help me improve at my job or find alternative employment. My motives have been put to the test this week: on Friday, my boss called in sick. It was a good day. It's probably wrong for me to pray that this illness would be debilitating, or that it would lead to an extended medical Leave of Absence. Not that I wasn't tempted to go in that direction, let me tell you! I was humbled into praying for her swift recovery, even though I know there will be another battle on Monday, and I will again probably feel like a gladiator in the Colosseum watching for Caesar to give a thumbs up or thumbs down.
This week I have learned that emotions are okay, as long as they have a righteous basis and are not debilitating. "Perfect love casts out fear." Praying for my boss, who doesn't like me very much, is helping me understand the sacrifice that Jesus made, when he died for all men, even those who would hate Him and curse His name.
